Here’s the link to my old blog that I started on 3 May 2011 Diary of an Alcoholic in Recovery. When I read posts from it now I feel as though it was a different person writing it. It seems to me to be very insightful and wise in a way that I don’t feel now at all. I had reached such a rock bottom before that journey that I had no doubts about what I needed to do or why. I want that sense of certainty back in my life. But as I can also see in that blog, it wasn’t as solid as I thought it was. That’s why I’m here now, feeling pretty low and crappy about myself. My next task is to read through all the 70+ posts on there and see if I can get some inspiration back.
Meanwhile I’ll try and post about what’s going on. It’s really hard though. It’s easier for me to write about the good times and when things are going well and as planned. It’s not so easy to share about the bumps in the road and the setbacks. I know it’s important to share both sides of the story though, so I’ll try.
I broke up with my bf a couple of months ago after a long period of bad times with him. He’s immature, manipulating, controlling, paranoid and possibly has severe mental health problems that have never been diagnosed. He’s aggressive and tends to break things, punch holes in walls and be generally awful. His behavior has deteriorated a lot in the last year as I’ve increasingly been keeping my distance from him. The thought of him and what that relationship did/does to me is what inspired the name of this blog, Insanity. He’s the same bloke I was seeing when I wrote my old blog.
Because of everything that’s been going on with him I’ve completely neglected my uni work and with an upcoming end of module assessment I feel rather stressed out. The essay is due in on Monday and I haven’t started it yet. I’ve had plenty of time to write, but my brain doesn’t work under stress or hangovers. I grind to a halt and completely freeze. Lately the stress has taken the form of wine drinking, going out with friends to distract myself, and more wine. Needless to say, I don’t go to the gym a fraction of the amount I’d like to, which is obviously adding to the stress and the guilt.
Today I was dressed and ready to leave my flat in order to get a gym session in before work as my ceiling started leaking! So I couldn’t go anywhere because a plumber and the caretaker were coming in and out trying to figure out what was wrong. So I soon changed my gym clothes to hoodie and joggers and rolled myself a cigarette. I hadn’t smoked all day so that I could go to the gym and now I sit here in a cloud of smoke feeling sorry for myself. Tonight I’m working the night shift at the pub and I pretty much know exactly how that’s going to go. Self-pity is my downfall every single time and at the moment I don’t feel strong enough to fight it.
Wow, this is a terrible post but I had to share it, warts and all. Thanks for reading.