I think I know what happened. I got cocky, too confident. I felt so good after 13 days of sobriety; clean, happy, clear headed, looking good and slim, getting shit done. I thought to myself, if I go out tonight I’ll feel just as good on Monday once I get over the hangover(s). Wrong! It’s now Tuesday and day 2. I feel like shit; a stubborn headache, back ache, itchy skin and really tired. It’s all come back in no time at all. I have a feeling it’s gonna take longer to get back to the good feeling this time, but you know what? I don’t care. I’m going to beat this. I made the bed, now I just need to change the sheets and get comfy (but not cocky) again.
This is a post I don’t want to write but I’m making myself do it in order to get back on the horse quickly. It all happened very subtly. That wolfie you’re all talking about is very, very sneaky and I don’t like it one bit. All week I’d known that my group of girls were going out Friday night and I kept saying that I’ll either stay in or only come out for a couple hours and not drink. They were all very supportive and nobody tried to pressure me into drinking. It was in the back of my mind all week almost overshadowing everything else but not in a massive way. It was just lingering there and my intention was the same all week. No drink, I was even planning on what soft drinks to buy, and since I’m on a bit of a health kick I was plotting about fresh orange juice and soda water in a tall glass with lots of ice. Needless to say, I never saw the orange juice.
As I was getting ready to go out I could feel my brain slowly but surely change gear. It was subtle and it felt like it was completely out of my control. The more make-up I put on and the more skin I was showing, the more I thought to myself that a glass of wine would actually be nice. It’d be a shame to waste a good looking girl like myself put away in the sober corner. I want to dance! I want to sing! I want to show myself off!
What the hell?
Add to that 13 days of no drinking, a week’s juice detox and the huge amounts of wine I put away that night made for a disastrous evening. I’m not gonna lie. I had the very real illusion of having “fun” most of the night. Some of the night I can’t remember and some of the night I don’t want to remember. Waking up the next morning with the worst hangover I can ever remember having, having missed a work shift (!), friends banging on the door to see if I’m alive, hiding under the duvet, sending a friend out to get a can of coke (eeeeewwwww) and an ice lolly for me, taking paracetamol, trying to sleep it off and fretting about what I’d done the night before, giving in to an invitation to the pub for a hair of the dog and that’s what gets me out of bed!?
Anyhow, I had three glasses of wine during the course of the day yesterday which kind of made me feel better in a sick kind of eeewww I’m-disgusted-with-myself-but-at-least-it-doesn’t-hurt-anymore kind of way.
Today I’m back on the horse and tonight I will e-mail Belle and ask to be reset to day 1 again, however depressing that may be. This sucks!
It may seem like small things or issues to regular folk, but to me, being able to make a sensible decision is a massive victory. Like today I had a massage appointment booked which would have set me back £15. That’s £15 that I don’t have. OK, so I waited to the last minute and phoned them about an hour before the appointment to cancel. But cancel I did. The next thing was an appointment with somebody about a university assignment. I really didn’t feel like doing that today but as the deadline for the last piece of work is looming ever closer I knew it was important to show up. So I did and it turned out to be a nice conversation, not just something I had to do. That’s two small victories in one day and the sun is shining (for now).
Day 13 is going well so far. Now I just have to get through a night shift at the pub. Cheers!
The thing about not constantly reaching for the bottle and/or battling hangovers is that my mind is not permanently boggled regarding what to do next. In fact, “what to do next” kind of didn’t matter while drinking because I literally could not do anything if I tried. I’d just pour that red stuff into a glass, take a sip and before I knew it I’d be passed out in bed oblivious to the world just like I wanted. But then there was always the aftermath. The problems were still there in the morning, only magnified by the anxiety and headache. The only cure was to repeat the procedure.
Not anymore. Not at the moment anyway. It feels so nice to be firm and confident about what I need to do. From dealing with a pestering ex bf to paying the bills. It just has to be done. Like brushing your teeth before bed which is still a bit of a novelty by the way.
So here’s to day 11 and a level playing field.
– Waking up in the morning and actually wanting to get out of bed.
– Enjoying food without overindulging on crap.
– Keeping my appointments and not letting people down.
– Feeling confident that I can give my best at the gym without risking cramps or worse from being dehydrated and saturated with alcohol.
– Not spending money on wine or worrying about running out after the shops close.
– Having a slightly flatter stomach 🙂
– Going to bed knowing that I will be fine in the morning.
…and many other things! Now it’s bed time.
Good night all!
There are a lot of things at stake when it comes to my drinking. I’m passionate about fitness and health so obviously drinking should be a big no-no! Especially for me because everything depends on it. Yesterday I got a text from my BFF asking if I wanted to join her and her boyfriend at our local pub and I said yes because I wanted to see them. Last time I did it, it all fell through and I ended up drunk as a skunk. However, this time I just ordered my sodawater with lemon and ice before they had a chance to offer me a drink, and at the next round I had to be firm and say No thank you, I’m FINE. They just laughed and kind of looked at each other as if to say Wonder how long it’s gonna last this time? Whatever. I had a good time and I walked home sober. Waking up today, on a Sunday, no less, is just heavenly. But back to my original point. If I had accepted that “one” glass of wine yesterday, it wouldn’t just have meant me getting drunk and having a hangover today. It would also have meant eating crap food, smoking god knows how many cigarettes, skipping the gym probably for the rest of the week and feeling incredibly sorry for myself. There are so many implications of one lousy glass of wine. It’s just not worth it. I know a glass of sodawater is not going to do that to me, therefore I choose that. Or orange juice, whatever. I just need to make that one choice every time, and the rest will fall in place nicely.
So staying sober yesterday means that I’m now eating a healthy breakfast (see previous post), enjoying a cup of green tea, catching up on the news online (and blogs and facebook :)), not smoking a cigarette (although I haven’t entirely quit – a girl needs at least one vice and I can control this one!), and I know I’ll be on time for work.
If I had had that glass of wine yesterday I’d have eaten a whole load of crap last night, not eaten anything at all this morning, had a large cup of black tea with milk and heaps of sugar to get my head straight(er), been late for work and hated every minute of it, hands shaking waiting for my break so I could go and sit in a beer garden with a chilled bottle of lager to feel “normal” again. I’d have smoked countless cigarettes and cursed every single one of them and there would have been no plans to go to the gym tomorrow.
In a nutshell, today is a good day.